Lila Yang
[00:00:00] Lila Yang: I am Lila Grace Yuze Yang. I’m 28 and I live in Portland, Oregon.
[00:00:08] Dmae Lo Roberts: Sound very scared right now.
[00:00:10] Lila Yang: I’m a little nervous.
[00:00:12] Dmae Lo Roberts: And just feel free if you don’t want to answer it, that’s fine too. So what, rather, where were you… I don’t know if I want to start with where you were born. Let’s start with, tell me about where you grew up.
[00:00:29] Lila Yang: I grew up in a little suburb of Portland. In the West Hills, kind of part of unincorporated Washington County. And the first house I remember living in was about a quarter mile from the house I really grew up in. And it was like a one story, kind of single family house with a yard. And then when I was in second grade, we moved up to a bigger house, even though it was still just me and my moms.
[00:01:02] That’s where I grew up.
[00:01:04] Dmae Lo Roberts: Can you tell me a little bit about your childhood? What was that like?
[00:01:10] Lila Yang: I had an interesting childhood, I think. I grew up with gay parents in the 2000s, so that was different than literally everyone else I knew. I spent a lot of my childhood at school or at school aftercare or beforecare or during the summer at summer camps because both my parents worked full time jobs.
[00:01:37] One of my moms is a nurse and she worked at OHSU for a number of years and my other mom is a data analyst and she worked for a period at Metagraphics and then at Conway and for most of my childhood and adulthood she’s worked at Banfield doing their data analytics. So, and I’m an only child and so I played a lot with myself.
[00:02:04] Dmae Lo Roberts: Okay. Say that again. So you’re an only child?
[00:02:06] Lila Yang: I’m an only child. I played a lot with myself in terms of, I just didn’t have a lot of friends. I went to a very, very small school for most of my elementary and middle school, so I hung out with the kids there, but didn’t really hang out a lot after school with them.
[00:02:24] Dmae Lo Roberts: So you were a single child, like and you spent a lot of time on your own. I was wondering, at what point did you start asking like where you were born?
[00:02:38] Lila Yang: I don’t think I ever really asked that question. I think my parents were pretty open with me about being adopted from China from when I was really really little. Mostly because it was very obvious that I did not belong to them biologically for multiple reasons. 1) they were both white and 2) they were both women.
[00:02:58] So not general- wasn’t possible at the time for me to be related.
[00:03:03] Dmae Lo Roberts: At what age did you realize you were adopted?
[00:03:07] Lila Yang: I think I’ve always known. My parents were very open with me about it. And I was adopted, I was brought to the States when I was 14 months old, so I couldn’t talk, and my parents told me that when I was younger, I used to have nightmares and complain about how loud the orphanage was.
[00:03:26] I don’t remember this now, but that’s what I was when I was younger, so I remembered when I was young enough, the orphanage that I’ve always known.
[00:03:35] Dmae Lo Roberts: You don’t, do you, did you say you remember the orphanage?
[00:03:39] Lila Yang: When I was really, really little, like three or four, I think is what my parents told me, but as a conscious adult, I don’t have any memories of it.
[00:03:49] Dmae Lo Roberts: And what did they tell you about your adoption?
[00:03:55] Lila Yang: They did not tell me a lot. They told me I was left at the orphanage when I was two weeks old. And I can’t remember if they told me it was like any specific for any specific reason. And that’s pretty much what they told me when I was growing up.
[00:04:15] Dmae Lo Roberts: And did you ask a lot of questions?
[00:04:19] Lila Yang: Not particularly about why. I was very resistant sometimes to change. So when we were moving from my first house to my second house, I was not happy about that cause I didn’t like change. And then I said, I remember saying, “I want to go back home.” And they said, “you are home.”
[00:04:41] And I said, “no, I want to go back to China.” And I remember saying that a couple of times when I was a grown up, when I was a kid.
[00:04:50] Dmae Lo Roberts: Without even knowing what that meant, it seems like, right?
[00:04:53] Lila Yang: Yeah. And it was mostly kind of a jab at my parents being like, “this isn’t my real home.” Like, “you’re not my real parents.”
[00:05:01] Because I was mad and angry about moving and having to change where I lived.
[00:05:08] Dmae Lo Roberts: Can you say that again? It was kind of a jab.
[00:05:11] Lila Yang: It was kind of a jab at my parents for change because I was not, I was not a huge fan of change.
[00:05:20] Dmae Lo Roberts: I think a lot of us can relate to it and you know when you’re mad at your parents or something you’ll say I wish I were adopted you know and I don’t think most kids understand what that means.
[00:05:32] Did you know what it meant to be adopted?
[00:05:36] Lila Yang: I think yes I understood that I didn’t come from my parents and that they brought me here and so I would say sometimes as a child, “you’re not my real mom” to hurt them because I was angry as a child for multiple whatever’s. It was, whether or not they, I didn’t get what I really wanted for dinner or if for- whatever reason.
[00:06:08] Dmae Lo Roberts: Yeah. I think a lot of people can relate to that.
[00:06:11] Mic Issues
[00:06:11] Dmae Lo Roberts: I’m one. This keeps shortening in and out. Let’s see. Test, test, test. Now I got one channel. That’s weird. Okay.
[00:06:23] So, I’m wondering, did you I mean, you had to balance both being adopted and being the only child of Lesbian parents. So that was a lot to juggle for you.
[00:06:39] Lila Yang: Yeah. Oftentimes if I went to a summer camp, I would lie till the other campers be like, when they’re like, “Oh, what does your dad do?'” I would just tell them what the more masculine of my two mothers would do. Because I didn’t want to have to explain that not only was, were my parents white, but I also didn’t have a dad.
[00:07:00] I had two moms because that was a lot for eight year old Lila to handle at once with social anxiety.
[00:07:07] Dmae Lo Roberts: You should write a book. That’s just me as a side note. Did your parents, did your moms try to incorporate, you know, your cultural heritage?
[00:07:18] Lila Yang: They sure tried and I was very resistant. They put me in Chinese lessons when I was five.
[00:07:25] And I went along with it for a while, but I was still just very resistant. Wasn’t a huge fan of the idea. I kind of didn’t want anything to do with like Chinese heritage or anything because I just wanted to fit in with all the other kids. I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood, white schools.
[00:07:43] I think I was one of three Asian kids at my school of 100. And actually only one of two Asian kids in my class of like 30. So they tried and eventually they gave up because I was very strong willed as a child. They couldn’t really make me do anything I didn’t want to.
[00:08:01] Dmae Lo Roberts: So, at what point did you, I mean, did you try to learn more about birth?
[00:08:11] I mean, have you ever tried to learn about your birth parents or your, you know, your, your birth?
[00:08:18] Lila Yang: A little bit, not too much, just because I know there’s not a lot out there. I did 23andMe a really long time ago. I want to say when I was in my early 20s. And kind of in hopes of finding a first or second degree relative, but knowing it was also a long shot because the government of China is not super thrilled about all of the lost children that they had from the one child policy.
[00:08:45] And also just knowing that there’s still a lot of fear of like being discovered even though the law is no longer in place .Just any possible repercussions from that. So there have been times where I’ve tried and I’ve joined Facebook groups and I’ve tried but I never really put a lot of effort.
[00:09:02] Lila Yang: It was more of passive like: “if it happens, cool. If it doesn’t, I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
[00:09:09] Dmae Lo Roberts: So.. Did you find, I’m… Okay before we get into that. Well, what is, I mean, what is something that you would want to know about your birth family?
[00:09:26] Lila Yang: Who I look like. All of my friends have always talked about it.
[00:09:30] Dmae Lo Roberts: You started with what I’d like to.
[00:09:33] Lila Yang: What I’d like to know about my birth family is who I look like more. Because a lot of my friends are like, “oh, I look like my mom,” “I look like my dad,” or like, “oh, I look like my grandparents.”
[00:09:44] But for me, it’s always been a very big mystery of like, I don’t know if I look more like my mom or maybe dad or if I have siblings. Who gave me ADHD? Because that would be cool to know. Which of my parents is tall, if not both of them. Because I’m 5’9″, which is very very tall for a Chinese woman or Chinese person generally speaking. So that would be I think those are the things I would like to know most.
[00:10:13] Dmae Lo Roberts: Yeah, and especially like which part of China because, you know, it’s been my experience that Northern Chinese are taller, you know, the further north you get.
[00:10:25] So it would be interesting and also for genetics, right?
[00:10:29] Lila Yang: Yeah, the 23andMe I did pretty much pinpointed me to the province I was adopted out of, which is the Jiangsu province. And the orphanage I went to was the Yangzhou Social Welfare Center and that region is, I feel like, mid to northern coast-ish of China.
[00:10:52] So that’s just kind of what I’m assuming where I got my height from. But even people there were shocked that I was tall.
[00:11:01]
[00:11:01] Dmae Lo Roberts: Did you, did you ever did you, how did you feel about your moms and, and adoption. How are, you know, what are your feelings about them now regarding that?
[00:11:18] Lila Yang: I think the only thing I wished was if I had had a sibling some of the time growing up, because it was very isolating, especially with them both working full time jobs.
[00:11:29] I didn’t really see them a lot as a kid, especially over the summer. I would go to get to summer camps at like 7 a. m. and leave at 6 p. m. I was always the first and always the last to leave. I think that’s one of the things. And otherwise, I think my parents just did their best with a very resistant child.
[00:11:50] I didn’t want to do a lot of stuff that they wanted me to do. When I was five, my parents wanted me to play soccer, and I did it. And then I quit by throwing my cleats at my mom and saying, “If you want to play soccer so bad, why don’t you play?” In my defense, I needed glasses and they did not know that at the time, so I could not see anything.
[00:12:14] Dmae Lo Roberts: What is your relationship with your moms now?
[00:12:17] Lila Yang: We have a really good relationship. I don’t talk to them all the time, just because my life is very busy with work and trying to figure out grad school. But we do text and chat on the phone. I would say I have a pretty good relationship with them.
[00:12:32] We can talk about things that are harder now to talk about than they would have been when I was a teenager. I’ve gone to a lot of therapy to get there. Which they are thankfully paying for because they are aware that that’s part of the reason I’m in therapy is because I’m adopted, which was their choice.
[00:12:50] So that’s, I’m very thankful to have parents who are understanding.
[00:12:53] Dmae Lo Roberts: Would you say I’ve gone through a lot of therapy?
[00:12:57] Lila Yang: I’ve gone through a lot of therapy.
[00:13:00] Dmae Lo Roberts: Your, your volume gets increased when you say, I’ve, for some reason. I don’t know. Do you think about what your life could have, would have been like had you not been adopted?
[00:13:13] Lila Yang: I did when I was growing up a lot more than I do now as an adult. I think when I was younger, I thought about what schooling would have been like if I was in China and what career I would have chosen if I was in China and how that would have differed from where I went living in America. Because in America, I was the artsy kid.
[00:13:40] I did a lot of theater camps. I was really involved with theater at my high school and I ended up getting my undergraduate degree in theater, but I don’t think that would have been the case if I was in China. I probably would have gone straight into a STEM field more than likely, which I am in now as an adult, but it took a long path to get here.
[00:14:06] I think would have been shortened if I had been in China.
[00:14:10] Dmae Lo Roberts: What is the thing that you wish that you could tell your biological parents?
[00:14:16] Lila Yang: I’m doing okay. And they shouldn’t worry that…
[00:14:22] Dmae Lo Roberts: Can you start with “One of the things I’d like to…”
[00:14:24] Lila Yang: One of the things I’d like them to know is that I’m doing okay and it sucks that they gave me up, but they probably had a really good reason and I’ve got a pretty good life for me in America.
[00:14:40] Dmae Lo Roberts: And if there’s one thing that you could change about your childhood or how you were raised you know, tell me about what that would be.
[00:14:52] Lila Yang: I think I wish my parents had pushed a little harder for me to learn more about my heritage when I was older and not forced it when I was quite as young so I’d be more open to it. Because now I kind of feel like I don’t have culture. I kind of take from other cultures, but I don’t feel like I connect a lot with the Chinese traditions and cultures.
[00:15:23] Dmae Lo Roberts: How do you feel like you want to learn that now?
[00:15:27] Do you- how much do you want to learn about your own culture?
[00:15:31] Lila Yang: I think it’d be something to cool to learn in the future. Maybe when I’m in my 30s. But right now I’ve got a lot on my plate with work and grad school applications that it’s not really a priority in my life.
[00:15:47] Dmae Lo Roberts: So when you say that you’d like to learn in your 30s are you describing, like perhaps doing an actual trip and search for birth parents?
[00:16:01] Lila Yang: I think a trip back to China would be really cool in my 30s. I don’t know if I’m ever going to really do a birth parent search just because I know the chances are so slim, especially because I was so, so little when I was left at the orphanage.
[00:16:17] And I, there’s also a big possibility that like my parents aren’t even in China anymore or if they’re not even alive because I don’t even know how old they were or what they did for work. So it’s possible that they’ve already died. So I don’t want to give up, get my hopes up for nothing and to be sad.
[00:16:39] Dmae Lo Roberts: Yeah, that makes sense. But you did find somebody within your family. Can you tell me sort of the circumstances and how all that happened
[00:16:50] Lila Yang: Yeah, I was- I did meet my fifth cousin on 23andMe. I was getting ready to help out at a really big adoption event with a local organization called BIPOC Adoptees and I got a message on 23andMe asking if I was the same person who was helping with a workshop that this organization was hosting and I said “yes.” And It turned out it was my fifth cousin who was messaging me on 23andMe and she grew up in- near me. And we’ve lived miles apart for our most of our lives and she, we just didn’t know about it unitl 23andMe.
[00:17:38] Dmae Lo Roberts: And you’re for sure that you are connected.
[00:17:40] What’s a fifth cousin?
[00:17:43] Lila Yang: That’s an excellent question. I have no idea. Someone who’s I think connected by like our fourth great grandparents, I think roughly.
[00:17:53] Dmae Lo Roberts: And, and because you did do 23andMe, DNA is confirmed.
[00:17:59] Lila Yang: Yeah. Yeah, they, they are pretty accurate with the DNA connections. Fifth cousin is pretty, pretty distant, but it’s also the most family I’ve literally ever had who’s related to me in any way.
[00:18:11] So I’ll take it.
[00:18:13] Dmae Lo Roberts: And what is her name?
[00:18:14] Lila Yang: Her name is Lily.
[00:18:16] Dmae Lo Roberts: Which is interesting that you’re Lila. Were you born with the name Lila?
[00:18:20] Lila Yang: No. So the name the orphanage gave me was Yuze, which is now part of my middle name. My name is actually broken up into two parts. I have the first part, that’s my American name, which is Lila Grace, which is the middle name my adoptive parents gave me.
[00:18:34] And then the second half of my name is Yuze Yang, which is the name the orphanage gave me.
[00:18:38] Dmae Lo Roberts: Do you know what Yuze means?
[00:18:41] Lila Yang: Something to do with rain.
[00:18:45] Dmae Lo Roberts: And, and so, but okay, I guess I’ll ask Lily, but do you know why she was named Lily?
[00:18:54] Lila Yang: I do not.
[00:18:55] Dmae Lo Roberts: So the orphanage probably gave her that name, too.
[00:18:58] Lila Yang: I believe her adoptive parents gave her that name.
[00:19:03] Dmae Lo Roberts: It’s just too similar, you know.
[00:19:06] Lila Yang: Yes, her name is spelled differently than mine because mine’s L-I-L-A and hers is I think L-I-L-I-E? Or there’s two L’s.
[00:19:17] It’s an IE name. So it’s similar in sound but different spelling.
[00:19:26] Dmae Lo Roberts: So if you were to tell another adoptee, especially a younger adoptee, any kind of advice, what kind of advice would you give?
[00:19:40] Lila Yang: Don’t force yourself to accept or talk about things you’re not comfortable talking about yet. You’re gonna be more comfortable talking about your adoption when you get older, so don’t make yourself do it before you’re ready because otherwise it’s gonna be much more difficult when you’re older because you’ll have a lot of resentment.
[00:20:08] Dmae Lo Roberts: What would you tell adoptive parents?
[00:20:12] Lila Yang: Don’t push your kids. Let your kids express whatever feelings they need to express. Don’t take things they say too personally because a lot of the time it’s coming out of anger and frustration for not knowing who or where they come from. And don’t force them to talk about their adoption if they don’t seem ready.
[00:20:32] Because that’s gonna land them in a lot more therapy than they’re already going to have. And it might mean they’re never gonna be ready to talk about it with you. And that relationship is really important to keep.
[00:20:48] Dmae Lo Roberts: You know, kids can be so cruel. And I was wondering when, at what point did you look in the mirror and realize that you were Asian or Chinese?
[00:21:00] Lila Yang: I was 16.
[00:21:01] Dmae Lo Roberts: Can you describe what that moment was like?
[00:21:04] Lila Yang: I don’t think it was ever really one moment. It kind of came from a culmination of me trying to fit into the high school I was going to which was much larger than my small private school and realizing that the current beauty trends or anything didn’t look the same on me as it did like my peers or even my best friend who was White because I looked Asian. I never thought growing up that people would be like, they would, people would stop me when I was younger and be like, “Oh, are you Korean? Oh, are you Chinese?”
[00:21:38] And I’d be like, “no, why would you even think that. I don’t look Asian at all?” And then when I was in high school, I was 16-ish. And I realized I actually do look Asian. Albeit, apparently I still look very Korean and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. But I look Asian nonetheless.
[00:22:02] And I think part of that may be from the growing media representation of Asian people, because I didn’t really have a lot of them growing up.
[00:22:12] Dmae Lo Roberts: You know, you could be Korean- Chinese. It’s not like they didn’t intermingle, you know? So there are Japanese, like Taiwanese is kind of a mixture of Japanese and Chinese.
[00:22:25] And the Indigenous people that lived there during that time. So, it’s not like, you know, it’s all monolithic. So there could be parts of you. I don’t know, did the 23andMe identify any of that?
[00:22:37] Lila Yang: It did at first, and then when they got more data, they were like, “oh, just kidding, you’re fully Chinese.”
[00:22:43] Dmae Lo Roberts: Oh, okay.
[00:22:43] Lila Yang: So I’m like, very solidly Chinese going back several generations.
[00:22:47] Dmae Lo Roberts: Yeah, I need to do the DNA test again because mine, you know, I think there’s more people doing it now, you know, but when I did it, it’s like, “Oh, you could be somewhere in East Asia.”
[00:23:00] Lila Yang: At one point it told me I was like 8% Korean and then the database updated. They got more samples and they’re like, “you know, you’re just like really Chinese.”
[00:23:10] Dmae Lo Roberts: That’s awesome. So I’m a little surprised though that you were 16 and didn’t… And that’s when you had that epiphany about being Chinese. I- What about when you were a little kid and you looked in the mirror?
[00:23:26] Lila Yang: I don’t think I looked in mirrors a lot as a kid. I was a very shy kid and I did not love the way I looked and I don’t, I didn’t love taking pictures of myself. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror a lot.
[00:23:38] So I just didn’t really do it.
[00:23:42] Dmae Lo Roberts: So it’s kind of, I mean, is there a term like dysphoria or something where you just don’t recognize it at first?
[00:23:49] Lila Yang: I definitely know I dissociated through a lot of my childhood for trauma reasons just because adoption is a trauma. I, just being displaced from your biological family and then again displaced from the orphanage.
[00:24:06] It was a lot on my system and if you look at pictures of me when my parents had first got me, there is no one home in that little baby brain. The eyes are empty. And so a lot of my childhood is missing from memory, just because I dissociated through a lot of it.
[00:24:25] Dmae Lo Roberts: And I’m, yeah, I’m wondering too if that was part of the trauma of being adopted and, and even though you may not have known about it, you felt it, you know?
[00:24:38] Do you think that there are feelings in there that you’re still coming to terms with?
[00:24:43] Lila Yang: Absolutely. I have been working through this some with my therapist, but he’s not an adoption specialist, but I definitely know there are a lot of feelings and things that happen at that young age that affect you developmentally throughout the rest of your life, just because that’s such a malleable age.
[00:25:03] So I know a lot of the trauma things I experience now are not necessarily things I could ever undo through psychotherapy or any other sort of therapeutic option because they’re so early on that it’s nearly impossible to remember them consciously.
[00:25:26] Dmae Lo Roberts: Have you talked to your moms about any of this?
[00:25:30] Lila Yang: A little bit. I’ve talked to, I, I talked to one of my moms about adoption stuff more than the other just cause we, my mom who’s a data analyst, her and I are not very emotionally close. We get uncomfortable talking about our feelings with each other. We do it when we have to at this point, but we’ve never been that close emotionally.
[00:25:56] Only my nurse mom and I talk a little bit more personally about emotions and like my relationships and all of that. So we’ve talked a bit about my dissociating through childhood.
[00:26:09] Dmae Lo Roberts: It must be really hard for them to hear it too.
[00:26:13] Lila Yang: I think it’s hard, but at the same time I think they both understand that it’s not anything they did besides starting a family.
[00:26:24] And I think it comforts them knowing that. I don’t resent them for any of it. And I turned out pretty okay. So, I don’t think they’re too hard on themselves about it.
[00:26:39] Dmae Lo Roberts: Do you know the specific orphanage?
[00:26:42] Lila Yang: Yeah, it is the Yangzhou Social Welfare Center. We actually went back when I was 11, which I personally think was too young for me to go back.
[00:26:51] I think it was more of a trip for my parents. But I remember going back and literally wanting to leave with a child because I wanted a sibling so bad. I don’t remember a lot about the trip because I’m pretty sure I blocked out most of it from my memory because it was a lot for a little 11 year old brain.
[00:27:12] It was 2007. So it was right before the Beijing Olympics. So everything was a little bit chaotic.
[00:27:19] Dmae Lo Roberts: How long were you there?
[00:27:22] Lila Yang: Don’t remember, I think roughly a week. We traveled a lot through a lot of China. We went to Xi’an before the earthquake and went to the Panda Reserve. We went to Shanghai. I think we started in Beijing and then it was a big tour group so we all kind of split off at one point to go visit our like orphanages and hometowns.
[00:27:42] Dmae Lo Roberts: So it was an adoptee group.
[00:27:44] Lila Yang: Yeah. Full of young adoptees who were probably too young to be on the trip.
[00:27:50] Dmae Lo Roberts: Do you know, did you hang out with other adoptees when you were growing up?
[00:27:56] Lila Yang: Not a lot. My parents were part of a group called FCC, which was Families with Children from China.
[00:28:06] And I had a couple of friends from there that we’d hang out a couple times a year, but not in like my everyday life.
[00:28:15] Dmae Lo Roberts: It sounds like though your moms were, your parents were really trying to incorporate like heritage and your background and other adoptees and were actively, you know, trying to help.
[00:28:31] Lila Yang: Yeah, and they tried and I was just a very resistant and stubborn child who didn’t want to deal with any of this at the time.
[00:28:38] Dmae Lo Roberts: Well, also, like you said, perhaps it was just too early.
[00:28:44] Lila Yang: Yeah, I think that’s a lot of it. I don’t think I was really ready to start talking about or addressing any of this until I was older.
[00:28:50] Definitely not until I was in high school.
[00:28:53] Dmae Lo Roberts: Do you ever think about what it would be like to meet your birth mom?
[00:28:58] Lila Yang: I did when I was younger, probably pre high school, but not as much anymore. I think my main concern when I was younger was I wouldn’t be able to communicate with her cause I don’t speak Chinese.
[00:29:09] Not for lack of trying as I’ve gotten older. But it just never stuck when I’ve tried. I studied Japanese for 10 years. And so my brain just kind of reverts to that language, even though they are very different.
[00:29:23] Dmae Lo Roberts: Oh so you’re able to speak Japanese.
[00:29:27] Lila Yang: Rudimentary Japanese I can. Fluid enough to get around Japan without an issue but not fluid enough to hold a conversation.
[00:29:36] Dmae Lo Roberts: Yeah.
[00:29:38] I don’t know. I think that if you were in a Chinese environment for like, even like a couple of months, you would pick it up because you have to, you know.
[00:29:51] Lila Yang: Yeah, I just think that would be a lot on my system to be full on. I don’t know where I am. I don’t speak the language. Everyone assumes I do speak the language and having to explain to a bunch of Chinese people that I was a girl from the nineties who was given up because of probably because of the one child policy.
[00:30:15] It’s a lot.
[00:30:17] Dmae Lo Roberts: So when in later life, I mean, it feels to me like you accept being Asian, being Chinese, being adoptee. Is that a correct assumption?
[00:30:32] Lila Yang: That is correct. I definitely am more accepting of myself and I no longer lie to my peers when I meet them about having a father, which is a big, big step for me.
[00:30:48] Dmae Lo Roberts: How long did you lie to people?
[00:30:51] Lila Yang: Until I was in high school.
[00:30:54] Dmae Lo Roberts: But when people come, came up to you in your childhood, up until you were in high school, you didn’t know why they were telling you that you were Chinese. I’m wondering the reactions that people, other Asians give you. Is there, do you feel that there’s acceptance or there’s an expectation?
[00:31:21] What is it like when Asian people, hanging out with Asian people now, especially, like maybe Chinese speaking people?
[00:31:32] Lila Yang: I actually don’t hang out with a lot of Chinese speaking people. Most of my Asian friends are not Chinese. A lot of them are Korean or Japanese. And I just, I don’t know if that’s because Portland just has a smaller Chinese population and a larger Japanese and Korean population or just because that’s just where I am.
[00:31:52] So, the people who I do know who are Chinese, who speak Chinese, have been very chill about it. No one’s been super weird about it as an adult or even growing up really. I’ve never really felt different except for the fact I can’t always relate when they talk about their childhood growing up about having tiger moms or any of that.
[00:32:14] I can’t relate to any of that.
[00:32:19] Dmae Lo Roberts: So your parents were not like hovering it at all?
[00:32:23] Lila Yang: No, they did the exact opposite. They just kind of let me do my own thing Which stressed me out a lot because I felt like I wasn’t being asked enough of or I felt like my parents didn’t necessarily. Not that they didn’t necessarily care… But it felt like they weren’t pressuring me in the same way as even some of my like white peers to like get Straight A’s because I wasn’t getting Straight A’s. So I felt like I had to pressure myself to be a lot better rather than my parents
[00:32:55] Dmae Lo Roberts: How was it to talk about being adopted with your parents now?
[00:33:00] Lila Yang: We don’t do it a lot. Just because I don’t talk about it a lot generally speaking. I’ll talk about it if it comes up. But it’s a lot easier now than it was when I was little.
[00:33:11] Dmae Lo Roberts: Will you share this interview with them?
[00:33:14] Lila Yang: I probably won’t tell them about it but if they stumble across it, I’m not going to lie to them.
[00:33:20] Dmae Lo Roberts: Well, maybe when you hear it, you’ll have a different reaction. I, I, is there anything you want? You know, I appreciate you doing this because I know it’s really difficult for you. It’s not something that is casual conversation. And I think it takes a lot of strength to do that, Lila. I would, it would love to give you the opportunity to say anything that you want.
[00:33:44] As far as final thoughts or any kind of, you know, feelings that you are having.
[00:33:50] Lila Yang: I think if you’re going to adopt a kid from another country, you should really think about your motivations behind it. If it’s because you think you’re saving the child from a better, to like, to bring them to a better life, that’s probably not the right reason to adopt a child because it’s extremely traumatizing on the child.
[00:34:10] If you’re doing it because you truly want to start a family because you actively cannot have children of your own and are going to love that child as your own even if you have your own biological children or other like white children, especially if you are a white family. Really think about your motives before adopting a child from a Third-World Country because you are in for a long haul and that kid is going to need the best parents possible in order to survive.
[00:34:44] Dmae Lo Roberts: What are your views on transnational adoption now?
[00:34:47] Lila Yang: I’m not a huge fan of it because it’s so traumatizing for the child and a lot of parents will focus on, “I wanted a family, it was about me, me,” instead of “I wanted a family and now I get to care and help this child become an adult and help them through this very traumatic experience.:”
[00:35:12] I’m not a huge fan of transnational adoptions, and I was an adult.
[00:35:17] Dmae Lo Roberts: And do you think most adoptees that you’ve met have the same, similar views?
[00:35:22] Lila Yang: No, I think it very much-so varies. I’ve met multiple adoptees who are like, “I want to adopt kids.” Great. And I’ve met really lovely white people who are like, “I want to adopt kids from another country.”
[00:35:36] I’m like, “Cool, educate yourself first.” And so I think some adoptees don’t necessarily see it as an issue. But I know there are a lot of us out there who are very much so against adoption.
[00:35:47] Dmae Lo Roberts: Do you know adoptees who have adopted?
[00:35:50] Lila Yang: I don’t think I know any personally who have adopted.
[00:35:52] Dmae Lo Roberts: Just kind of curious about that.
[00:35:55] What do you think about other Asians adopting Asian, you know, babies or children? I don’t want to say babies.
[00:36:05] Lila Yang: I think it’s okay as long as they are open with the child that they are adopted. But I think it is better because they’ll at least still be in that same cultural environment. But the parents also need to be very mindful with how they raise that child.
[00:36:26] Dmae Lo Roberts: When you look at yourself, do you think you look Asian?
[00:36:30] Lila Yang: I do now. I do now. Yeah, I definitely didn’t when I was like 12.
[00:36:41] Dmae Lo Roberts: It’s just interesting to me, you know?
[00:36:44] Lila Yang: Yeah, I don’t know. It just kind of happened one day where I was like, “I actually am Asian and I look Asian.” And that’s just, that I don’t fully understand what makes me, what makes a lot of people, think I look Korean over what making me look Chinese. But, you know, at least they got the right continent.
[00:37:06] Dmae Lo Roberts: You keep coming back to that, but it feels like there’s a, a, a sense of acceptance for you. Am I correct in that? I mean, tell me how you feel.
[00:37:16] Lila Yang: Yeah, I’ve pretty much accepted my identity as a transracial, transnational adoptee who grew up in Portland.
Lillie Laurier
[00:00:00] Lillie Laurier: I’m Lillie Laurier. I’m 28 years old and I grew up in Portland, oregon.
[00:00:06] Dmae Lo Roberts: And Lila, would you tell us your full name and that you’re interviewing?
[00:00:12] Lila Yang: I’m Lila Yang and I’m interviewing Lillie. Where were you born?
[00:00:19] Lillie Laurier: I was probably born in Chuzhou, China in Zhejiang province, but like you never know for sure.
[00:00:28] Lila Yang: Right. And tell me about who you grew up with, like in your home.
[00:00:32] Lillie Laurier: I have my mom and dad and then my younger sister who’s also adopted from China.
[00:00:39] Lila Yang: And what age were you and your sister both adopted?
[00:00:42] Lillie Laurier: I was adopted at about eight months old and my sister like exactly on her one year birthday.
[00:00:48] Lila Yang: And how far apart are you and your sister?
[00:00:51] Lillie Laurier: We’re about 18 months apart. So quite close.
[00:00:55] Lila Yang: And do you have a good relationship with your sister today?
[00:00:58] Lillie Laurier: Yeah, we have a pretty good relationship and she lives here in town as well.
[00:01:03] Lila Yang: And did you both know you were adopted growing up?
[00:01:07] Lillie Laurier: Yeah, I feel like it was one of like the first things we learned, like besides your name, like it’s always been something we’ve known.
[00:01:14] Lila Yang: And did you know that you were both adopted but not related to each other?
[00:01:21] Lillie Laurier: Yeah, that was super clear. Like I remember when my parents went to go get her in a different province and that was like a whole process.
[00:01:30] Lila Yang: And how did your parents, if at all, try to incorporate your Chinese heritage into your childhood?
[00:01:37] Lillie Laurier: I feel like they tried so hard it was like kind of embarrassing. But I think it was important to show that they care a lot. That was important to them.
[00:01:46] Dmae Lo Roberts: In what way did they try to incorporate?
[00:01:48] Lillie Laurier: Like they decorated our house with like a bunch of Chinese stuff, so there was like Chinese instruments on the walls, and like art, and they had like a group with like families with children from China, and they used to take us around with other adopted kids, and we’d go to like parades, and they’d like dress up the strollers as dragons, and give us panda stuffed animals, and they’d wear Chinese outfits, and we’d wear Chinese outfits, and they all tried very hard.
[00:02:14] Dmae Lo Roberts: At what age was that?
[00:02:15] Lillie Laurier: It was probably like 2, until maybe like 5 or 6. And then everyone got tired and gave up.
[00:02:22] Lila Yang: How old were your parents when they adopted you?
[00:02:25] Lillie Laurier: Probably in their 40s or something. So a bit older.
[00:02:29] Lila Yang: Do you think it’s common for parents, like white parents who are in their 40s to adopt kids?
[00:02:36] Lillie Laurier: I feel like it is. Like everyone that I know who’s adopted, their parents are like much older and mine are actually only like the younger side of old. Like I’m only in my twenties, but some people’s parents are almost 80. Yeah.
[00:02:46] Dmae Lo Roberts: Watch, watch with something. Yeah. Can you start, say that again about your pa- how old they were?
[00:02:52] Lillie Laurier: My parents adopted me when they were in their forties.
[00:02:55] Lila Yang: Do you think it’s common for like older parents to adopt kids?
[00:03:00] Lillie Laurier: Yes, like most of my friends parents are older some of them are in their 80s, and I’m only 20.
[00:03:07] Dmae Lo Roberts: They’re in their 80s?
[00:03:08] Lillie Laurier: Yeah.
[00:03:11] Lila Yang: Yeah, that’s not uncommon my parents are in their late 60s early 70s, yeah. I’m in my late 20s.
[00:03:23] Did your parents, when they were incorporating, like, Chinese stuff, at one point, did they give up? And do you know why they gave up?
[00:03:32] Lillie Laurier: I feel like they gave up because we didn’t really have much interest in it. And then they’re like, well, you can find it if you want to later in life. And they felt a bit uncomfortable because, like, on multicultural day, my mom, she had, like, the Chinese booth, and she was, like, dressed up in a Chinese outfit, and then she felt weird around, like, other Chinese people.
[00:03:51] Or she’d come to my class and like teach about Chinese culture, but obviously she’s not like a great expert.
[00:03:58] Lila Yang: Do you, as an adult now looking back, appreciate that your parents tried so hard?
[00:04:05] Lillie Laurier: I really do appreciate it. I feel like there’s been like a divide between like Korean adoptees and Chinese adoptees.
[00:04:11] And the Korean adoptees were really like told to like assimilate and their parents were like raise them like any other child. And they said that they are like jealous of the Chinese adoptees and how much effort their parents put in to teaching them about their culture.
[00:04:24] Lila Yang: My parents didn’t go that far, but they did try.
[00:04:28] They put me in Chinese lessons when I was five. Did your parents also do that?
[00:04:32] Lillie Laurier: They tried, but we were a bit too late. So we were probably ten and the other kids that were Asian were like three. So we quit that and didn’t want to do it. But I do remember going to a Chinese summer camp at my middle school and like people from China came over and they taught us Chinese yo-yo and language and everything.
[00:04:54] Lila Yang: As an adult, have you tried to learn Mandarin again?
[00:04:58] Lillie Laurier: No, it just seems really hard.
[00:05:00] Lila Yang: I can vouch it is in fact very hard.
[00:05:02] Lillie Laurier: Yeah.
[00:05:05] Lila Yang: Do you ever think about your life, like what it would have been like if you hadn’t been adopted out of China, like if you had stayed?
[00:05:13] Lillie Laurier: Sometimes, but I feel like it’s not like a huge thing I think about.
[00:05:17] Lila Yang: Did you think about it a lot when you were younger?
[00:05:19] Dmae Lo Roberts: Wait for the mic. Okay.
[00:05:22] Lila Yang: Did you think about it a lot when- Did you think about what your life would have been like if you had stayed in China when you were younger?
[00:05:30] Lillie Laurier: Not really. Like, honestly, growing up I would forget I was adopted unless it was like someone pointed it out.
[00:05:36] Lila Yang: Why, why would you forget you were adopted?
[00:05:40] Lillie Laurier: I feel like I just had like other things in my life and I’ve had a very well adjusted childhood. It just wasn’t like a major issue growing up.
[00:05:47] Lila Yang: Did- did random Asian people ever walk up to you and start speaking to you in whatever language they spoke?
[00:05:56] Lillie Laurier: I visited China when I was around 18 years old. So I feel like that was the biggest experience of people assuming that I spoke Mandarin or some of my background.
[00:06:04] Dmae Lo Roberts: Why were you there?
[00:06:07] Lillie Laurier: My parents just wanted to take us and like, show us China. They gave us the option to do like, the adoption tour, like go back to where you were found in the orphanage, but my sister and I didn’t want to do that. So we did like the very basic, like Beijing, Shanghai, see the Great Wall trip.
[00:06:22] Lila Yang: Why didn’t you want to go back to your orphanage?
[00:06:25] Lillie Laurier: I feel like it was just, it seemed like it was like too emotional, or for like a first trip it was just like a lot to take on. And we were from like very different places in China, so it really like extended the trip a lot. So just logistically, we just stuck with Beijing and Shanghai.
[00:06:40] Lila Yang: Your parents seem a lot more well adjusted to that concept of being too young than mine were.
[00:06:47] Mine took me back when I was 11 and made me go back to my orphanage.
[00:06:51] Lillie Laurier: Oh, that’s very young.
[00:06:52] Lila Yang: Yeah. It was not a great experience and I don’t remember most of it. So I definitely think, like, do you think if your parents had tried to take you when you were younger, it would have been as good of an experience?
[00:07:05] Lillie Laurier: I think it would have felt forced and it would have felt kind of awkward and I think you should just do it when you’re ready.
[00:07:13] Dmae Lo Roberts: What kind of experience was it for you?
[00:07:15] Lillie Laurier: I’ve never seen so many Asian people in my life. Like the most Asian people I’ve ever seen is like at the dim sum restaurant in town. So to see like thousands and thousands like arriving at the airport was crazy. But I just really loved the food and to see like the culture and everything.
[00:07:32] Dmae Lo Roberts: And did you feel like, you know, you both grew up in, in Portland and Portland is, you know, pretty white. So did you both feel kind of like, I don’t know. Like you stand out?
[00:07:50] Lillie Laurier: I never felt like I terribly stood out. There was like so many adopted children around the time I grew up that in my grade there would just be other adopted children.
[00:07:59] Like in my high school there’s probably like five adopted girls. So it never really felt like being super different. Like sometimes we would outnumber the actual like Asian kids with Asian parents.
[00:08:10] Lila Yang: I had the opposite experience. I, there were not a lot of adopted kids at my school. There were a lot of Asians, not a lot, but there were Asians at my school, but none of them were adopted.
[00:08:22] Actually, I’m pretty sure the only other adopted girl was like from Russia. So it was like, it was very different. I didn’t feel like I necessarily stood out because of being Asian. I think I mostly stood out because I’m 5’9″.
[00:08:39] Dmae Lo Roberts: So what’s your next question?
[00:08:41] Lila Yang: Did you ever consider doing like a birth parent search?
[00:08:45] Lillie Laurier: I thought about it from time to time, like some of my friends have done it, and the whole process seems kind of embarrassing. Like, they had to, like, make a commercial and, like, play it on local Chinese television with their, like, birth parents saying they weren’t abducted or anything, and they put up, like, pictures of them, like, all over town, and they paid, like, thousands of dollars, and then, like, nothing came of it.
[00:09:07] But I did do the 23andMe thing and submit my DNA to GEDmatch, because I was told that a lot of people from my province, they were looking for their kids, and if they were going to find them, it would be through the database, but I didn’t find anything.
[00:09:21] Dmae Lo Roberts: Well, you found one thing.
[00:09:22] Lillie Laurier: Yeah, oh, I found Lila.
[00:09:23] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:09:25] Dmae Lo Roberts: Tell me about the time that you, you connected with each other.
[00:09:28] Lillie Laurier: I was on 23andMe and there’s that map feature, and I saw there was like a few people I was related to in town, and Lila’s name stood out to me because we’re born in the same year. So I figured I’d probably end up maybe meeting her sometime, and then there was like an event poster and it had her name on it, and I messaged her, and then she’s like, yeah, that’s me, and then we started hanging out.
[00:09:49] Dmae Lo Roberts: Was that the Adoptee Project?
[00:09:51] Lila Yang: It sure was. It sure was. It was the writing workshop that I was co-leading with Korean Adoptee Junae.
[00:09:58] Dmae Lo Roberts: So do you hear that, funder? This is a great way. No, the people who funded us at this Adoptee Project that you were involved in got you connected with an actual relative.
[00:10:09] That’s pretty cool. That’s really cool. So did you say there were other matches?
[00:10:13] Lillie Laurier: There are like thousands of matches on 23andMe and all of them are very, very slim, like less than 1%. But if you have like no known, like relatives, even like 1% means a lot.
[00:10:27] Dmae Lo Roberts: So how much of a percentage was Lila?
[00:10:29] Lila Yang: I don’t know.
[00:10:31] We can find out. We can find out.
[00:10:33] Dmae Lo Roberts: I was wondering, like, how much do you know, you know, how much percentage do you have to be to actually be a relative?
[00:10:40] Lillie Laurier: Fifth..great grandparents or something.
[00:10:44] Lila Yang: DNA relatives.
[00:10:45] Dmae Lo Roberts: But you said it was like a fourth, fifth cousin. But I’m just wondering like what percentage of the DNA has to be confirmed.
[00:10:52] You have it all on your phones. Oh, awesome.
[00:10:54] Lillie Laurier: Look, we have new DNA relatives.
[00:10:59] Lila Yang: I know, I just got that too.
[00:11:00] Dmae Lo Roberts: Really?
[00:11:01] Lila Yang: Yeah.
[00:11:02] Lillie Laurier: Like I’m 100% Chinese. I’m not sure if you’re 100%.
[00:11:05] Lila Yang: I’m also 100% Chinese. Let me see. Okay. Sorry, my messages are loading really slow.
[00:11:10] Lillie Laurier: My sister, she found out she’s like a third Vietnamese and like a third like Chinese Dai.
[00:11:16] Lila Yang: Another adoptee.
[00:11:17] Dmae Lo Roberts: Did you see that? Yeah.
[00:11:21] Lila Yang: I just got a big red circle.
[00:11:23] Dmae Lo Roberts: From Taiwan?
[00:11:24] Lila Yang: I paid $100 for that.
[00:11:25] Lillie Laurier: Oh, we share 0.13 percent of our DNA.
[00:11:28] Dmae Lo Roberts: So I’m, I’m half Taiwanese, so that’s interesting to me. That they would separate Taiwan and Southern China.
[00:11:36] Lillie Laurier: But we share 0.13% of our DNA. We are fifth cousins and we share a fourth great grandparent.
[00:11:44] Dmae Lo Roberts: That’s amazing. But you all said you had other people that you just got, you just got an alert about?
[00:11:52] Lila Yang: Oh, it gives you an alert whenever someone vaguely in your family tree joins 23andMe. So whether it’s fifth cousins or not, yeah, I’m a 100% Chinese. I’m 68% northern Chinese and Tibetan and 31.8% Southern Chinese and Taiwanese.
[00:12:10] Dmae Lo Roberts: That’s amazing. Okay. Anyway, I’m sorry. Keep going. But I just, I just think it’s fascinating, you know, that… Yeah.
[00:12:18] Lila Yang: So was the birth parent search sort of your motivation for doing the 23andMe in terms of just maybe wanting to find a relative?
[00:12:27] Lillie Laurier: No, just everyone in my family was doing it, and then I just, oh, oops, no tabletop.
[00:12:32] Dmae Lo Roberts: Okay.
[00:12:33] No, go ahead. So from “everybody in my family.”
[00:12:36] Lillie Laurier: Everybody in my family was getting 23andMe kits for Christmas, so we just kind of got ours too. But I feel like it is slightly a bigger deal if you’re adopted, because you could find out something more than you’re just, like, half Swedish or something.
[00:12:50] Dmae Lo Roberts: How would your parents feel about you finding your birth mom or parent?
[00:12:55] Lillie Laurier: I think they would be really happy for us.
[00:12:59] Lila Yang: How would you feel about finding a birth parent? Like, would you want to?
[00:13:05] Lillie Laurier: I think it would be interesting. I’ve become a little bit more apprehensive since attending adoption events because it really can go poorly. And growing up, I didn’t really think it could go, like, that bad.
[00:13:17] Maybe, like, you meet them and then you just don’t get along that well and it’s just neutral. But I feel like I already have issues within my family. So to add additional stressful people might be a lot right now.
[00:13:30] Dmae Lo Roberts: It might be just curious just to see somebody who has similar features too. You know, I don’t know.
[00:13:37] You know, as a, as a birth parent.
[00:13:41] Lillie Laurier: It would be interesting to see people who look like me because I’ve just never experienced that. I kind of see myself as like my own thing at this point.
[00:13:48] Lila Yang: How have your feelings towards your like biological parents changed over time?
[00:13:59] Lillie Laurier: I feel like that’s a bit of a complicated question with like some things going around in my family right now.
[00:14:05] But overall I do feel like I had a good childhood and they tried their best.
[00:14:11] Lila Yang: What about your biological parents? Like the ones who gave you up for adoption?
[00:14:15] Dmae Lo Roberts: What, what, you mean what her feelings are?
[00:14:16] Lila Yang: Yeah, like have they changed over time?
[00:14:20] Lillie Laurier: I feel like they, they almost feel like they’re not even real people anymore.
[00:14:25] And then going to adoption events and having people like text their birth parents. It’s like texting like an alien. Like it just doesn’t even seem like a real thing. Like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are equivalent to my adopted parents.
[00:14:38] Dmae Lo Roberts: It almost feels mythological to you.
[00:14:40] Lillie Laurier: Yeah. And the fact that they’re just like probably on the internet and have an Instagram is like crazy.
[00:14:45] Yeah.
[00:14:47] Lila Yang: It feels very unreal. And I feel like that’s a sentiment most Chinese adoptees can relate to just because of the, especially the ones who are about our age, because we were born and adopted in the time of the one child policy. So it just feels like it’s just never going to happen. And it’s not a realistic expectation.
[00:15:07] Dmae Lo Roberts: I’m wondering when you say that, that you’ve heard adoptee stories where it went, it went sour. What are some of those instances that you can recall?
[00:15:19] Lillie Laurier: I feel like it’s like not my place to share their stories.
[00:15:23] Dmae Lo Roberts: But I’m just wondering, you know, is it, why would it, you know, go sour, do you think?
[00:15:29] Lillie Laurier: Sometimes the reason that you’re given up isn’t just the One Child Policy. Like there’s other things going on or it is very hurtful if they don’t want contact with you or if there’s like gender issues, like they just wanted a son, I feel like I would be quite irritated by that.
[00:15:46] Dmae Lo Roberts: So it’s mostly girls that would, you know, are adoptees, right? So it’s other girls, right?
[00:15:52] Lila Yang: I think it depends on the country that you’re adopted from. I know out of China it is mostly women and girls who have been like put up for adoption, but not necessarily in other parts of the world, just because of…
[00:16:06] Dmae Lo Roberts: No, I mean from China.
[00:16:07] Lila Yang: Oh, from China? What was the question?
[00:16:10] Dmae Lo Roberts: No, it’s because of the One Child Policy.
[00:16:12] Lila Yang: Yeah, I think that is a lot of it.
[00:16:15] Dmae Lo Roberts: Yeah, that’s mostly girls. Okay.
[00:16:17] Lila Yang: At least mature, like, millennials.
[00:16:22] Lillie Laurier: I feel like there’s so many people with my exact same story. Like when we go to these conferences, like it’s hundreds of girls.
[00:16:30] They have no, no information about where they came from. We’re all just like five feet tall and have long black hair and it’s, it’s weird to find so many people who are so similar to you.
[00:16:44] Dmae Lo Roberts: How is it finding Lila?
[00:16:46] Lillie Laurier: It’s been really amazing to have like a new cousin. In my life and we’re still like getting to know each other, but it’s been great to have that connection
[00:16:55] Dmae Lo Roberts: Because it’s only been like a year or something, right?
[00:16:58] Lila Yang: I don’t even think it’s…
[00:16:59] Dmae Lo Roberts: Like a few months? Let me- what was that? Because it was the writing workshop. Was… Earlier this- well, I think we did one in the fall too. Yeah, let me look at my-
[00:17:15] There’s a plane going by anyway, so that’s cool.
[00:17:18] Lila Yang: Oh, it has been almost a year. It was August of last year.
[00:17:21] Lillie Laurier: Aw, we should have like a cousin-aversary.
[00:17:23] Lila Yang: Cousin-aversary.
[00:17:24] Lillie Laurier: Or something.
[00:17:25] Lila Yang: Family reunion.
[00:17:25] Lillie Laurier: Yeah.
[00:17:26] Dmae Lo Roberts: Yeah. Yeah, I think it’d be nice to celebrate that.
[00:17:29] Lillie Laurier: We really want our parents to meet.
[00:17:31] Lila Yang: Yes.
[00:17:32] Dmae Lo Roberts: Oh, really?
[00:17:33] Lila Yang: Yeah, cause the organization we both mentioned in our interviews was the same one.
[00:17:37] So we are actually part of the same FCC group. That, and we discovered this when we met. So there is probably a picture of us together at one point.
[00:17:47] Lillie Laurier: Yeah. And our parents do have like a lot of mutual friends and they keep in touch with like other adopted families in town.
[00:17:52] Dmae Lo Roberts: So do they know each other then?
[00:17:54] Lila Yang: Our parents don’t know each other, but they have the exact same mutual friends. Yeah.
[00:17:59] Dmae Lo Roberts: I think it’d be great if you did like a picnic together or something, you know?
[00:18:03] Lila Yang: Yeah, definitely.
[00:18:06] Dmae Lo Roberts: Continue.
[00:18:07] Lila Yang: Is there something that you would change about how you were raised.
[00:18:15] Lillie Laurier: I need to think about that for a second.
[00:18:19] I, I think it would have been good to have Asian people in my life that weren’t just people we knew who worked at restaurants and or people who like were at the nail salon. Like my, my parents didn’t really have any Asian friends or friends that were from like other cultures and I feel like I have a hard time figuring out, like, even now what my life looks like moving forward because I just didn’t have that many like Asian role models .
[00:18:48] Dmae Lo Roberts: What do you do for living?
[00:18:49] And what I mean, what do you do in life right now?
[00:18:52] Lillie Laurier: i’m a graphic designer at a creative agency.
[00:18:55] Dmae Lo Roberts: Oh, awesome.
[00:18:56] Lila Yang: And did you did your parents ever put that weird like, “You have to go into STEM because you’re Asian,” like, pressure on you?
[00:19:05] Lillie Laurier: You know, I feel like a lot of Asian adoptees have career paths that are not traditionally like what other Asian kids go into.
[00:19:16] So I know so many people who are like teachers and artists and dancers and psych majors and whatnot.
[00:19:25] Lila Yang: No. Were your parents supportive of you going into graphic design?
[00:19:30] Lillie Laurier: Yeah, they were super supportive. I feel like I had like the most supportive parents ever. Like it was almost just like too much. They’re just very excited about everything.
[00:19:38] Lila Yang: I can, I can very much so relate to that. My parents are very supportive of whatever I want to do. I got my degree in theater and now I’m applying to pharmacy school. So, you know, they had to be okay with my 180 career changes. What do your parents do?
[00:19:56] Lillie Laurier: My mom, she does child death review, which is a bit dark.
[00:20:00] And then I’m not sure about my dad.
[00:20:03] Dmae Lo Roberts: You mean like with a, an agency or something like …?
[00:20:06] Lillie Laurier: She works for the County. So when like kids die, she like writes it down. Multnomah County, Clark County.
[00:20:14] Dmae Lo Roberts: Okay. Cause I, I just worked with a project that was about suicide prevention and it was for Multnomah County and they did do those death reviews and it’s pretty, it’s pretty exhausting.
[00:20:24] Yeah, it’s a big job. It’s a big job.
[00:20:28] Lila Yang: Is there anything that you would want to tell your like your birth parents if you could?
[00:20:38] Lillie Laurier: I have to think about that one.
[00:20:39] Dmae Lo Roberts: That’s a tough one. Yeah, what what did you say about that?
[00:20:43] Lila Yang: That I’m okay and I’m like living a pretty solid life and like it didn’t screw me up too much.
[00:20:50] Lillie Laurier: That I don’t want them to feel bad for giving me up, and like I would feel terrible if they held this guilt for like 30 years.
[00:21:00] Lila Yang: Is there anything else you want to talk about or have questions about? Maybe we could think about it.
[00:21:07] Dmae Lo Roberts: I was wondering, what are your thoughts on adoption?
[00:21:11] Now, as an adult.
[00:21:12] Lillie Laurier: I feel like swayed both ways. Cause I feel like in the adoption community, people are very like anti-adoption, but I do feel like it is good in some circumstances. And overall I had a positive experience. And specifically trans-national adoption. I don’t know. I f- I feel like maybe people should adopt kids in the U.S. First, before they go hunting all over the world.
[00:21:37] Dmae Lo Roberts: Why?
[00:21:39] Lillie Laurier: I feel like it just seems like it’s incredibly unnecessary when there’s so much need here, to go bring a child into a different culture and take them away from where they were born.
[00:21:50] Lila Yang: I would have to agree. I’m not a huge fan of transnational adoption. It does seem unnecessary. Like if you’re gonna adopt a kid for your own family, just like do it here.
[00:21:57] It’s probably cheaper. And like, what’s the reason you want like a Chinese kid over like an American kid? Mm hmm.
[00:22:04] Dmae Lo Roberts: Any other questions? No? I was wondering: what advice would you give to younger adoptees now?
[00:22:17] Lillie Laurier: Don’t force the adoption process. I feel like you, you think about adoption, adoption affects you differently throughout your life.
[00:22:26] And eventually you will find your community and your people to support you.
[00:22:31] Dmae Lo Roberts: When you mean don’t force, what does that mean to you?
[00:22:35] Lillie Laurier: I feel like in the beginning, like, parents were told they were supposed to, like, teach their kids about their culture or, like, try to set up play dates, or, why don’t you go meet that other Chinese kid on the playground?
[00:22:49] But I feel like you eventually just find your way on your own. And it works out better when you’re not, like, told to do that.
[00:22:55] Dmae Lo Roberts: Did that happen where you were in a playground and they set you up with people that were other adoptees or?
[00:23:03] Lillie Laurier: Not as much. I think maybe when we made Asian friends, they just kind of like encouraged that.
[00:23:09] Dmae Lo Roberts: Do you talk about adoption with your sister, your adopted sister?
[00:23:13] Lillie Laurier: We sometimes talk about it, but I would say it is like a rare occurrence, but since going to the BIPOC adoptee events, it’s been like a really good way to casually like talk about adoption and not be this like, “Oh, why are you bringing this up suddenly?”
[00:23:26] Dmae Lo Roberts: and I’m just wondering what are some of the misconceptions people have about adoptees? And this is for you too, Lila. Are there misconceptions or things that you think should be straightened out? You know, that people have ideas of what it means to be an adoptee?
[00:23:44] Lillie Laurier: I know it’s like a different experience for everyone, but I feel like people assume that like adoption is very painful and like a private thing to talk about.
[00:23:54] But I feel like it’s something that’s very much a part of me and something I want you to know, and I don’t bring it up as this like secret I need to tell you, but it’s just like important part of my identity. And I wish we could more casually talk about adoption, the good and the bad.
[00:24:11] Lila Yang: It’s not something you have to feel bad about.
[00:24:13] You don’t have to be like, “Oh, I’m so sorry that you’re adopted.” Like, why are you feeling sorry for me? Please don’t. I’m just adopted. And also, it’s not like… We don’t all have knowledge of our birth family. So like, please stop asking because it’s exhausting to talk about.
[00:24:39] Dmae Lo Roberts: I’m wondering is what is, this.. Is, I mean, it sounds like there’s some kind of stigma about being adopted. Or some kind of secret or something?
[00:24:50] Lillie Laurier: It’s, it’s not that it’s a secret, I think some people just assume it’s like very personal, which it is, but I, I personally feel like really okay about talking about it, and I don’t care if people ask a bunch of questions, like, I’m a very curious person, so I like, I kind of know what questions they want to, like, they want answered, so I just kind of tell them.
[00:25:11] Dmae Lo Roberts: What about like media representations of being adopted? I think, I think that’s where I’m going, because like there’s some cultural, you know, cultural views about that. Like, it’s this I don’t want to say shameful, but it’s, it’s like something that people don’t talk about.
[00:25:28] Lila Yang: I think Modern Family actually did a really solid job representing Asian adoptees because, A) it was the most similar story to mine.
[00:25:39] I actually submitted that to Buzzfeed and it got published. They were, Buzzfeed put out a request for people who didn’t see themselves in media representation. And like when they first did and I submitted was like, “yeah, I’m adopted with gay parent, like gay parents and seeing Lily on Modern Family be adopted with gay parents was literally the first time I’d seen that in media representation.”
[00:26:07] Because a lot of the times it’s represented as like a mom and a dad being like adopting a kid from China or whatever, but it was the first time I was seeing like a gay couple adopt a kid. And I think overall they did a really good job in showing that they should realize that like Lily. She’s not my cousin, Lily. Lily, the character on the show was adopted from Vietnam.
[00:26:30] And they realized at one point that they should probably expose her to some Vietnamese culture, so they took her to a Vietnamese restaurant. That backfired, so it kind of showed like, you can try, but it’s not going to go perfectly, and to not push it on your five year old child.
[00:26:49] Dmae Lo Roberts: That was actually funny. But they did, I don’t know, I was thinking about some of the kind of racist things that they said sometimes to her. You know, like they’d call her like my little, I don’t know, Asian flower or something, I don’t know, they would do these kind of weird things sometimes.
[00:27:06] Did you ever get anything like that? Like they, like those kind of endearments?
[00:27:10] Lila Yang: I did not, but I know you did. Didn’t you?
[00:27:13] Lillie Laurier: Did I?
[00:27:14] Lila Yang: Did you? I thought they called you like your China doll or something.
[00:27:17] Lillie Laurier: Not, not really.
[00:27:18] Lila Yang: Not really. I thought they did.
[00:27:20] Dmae Lo Roberts: Maybe she didn’t want to talk about it.
[00:27:22] Lillie Laurier: Oh, no. Maybe that was about something else.
[00:27:24] Lila Yang: Maybe that was.
[00:27:25] Dmae Lo Roberts: Okay. Yeah. So but yeah, that’s interesting. How about you? Are there kind of like a, is there like, I don’t want to say stereotype, but some kind of representation of what it means to be, like media representation of what it means to be adopted? It’s a big secret you’re adopted, you know, and, and that’s often the representation that I see.
[00:27:47] You know, that it’s something that they didn’t know about, and then they discover, and then it’s a big, like, dramatic element that’s used.
[00:27:54] Lillie Laurier: I feel like the most, like, relevant adoption movie to my childhood was, like, Meet the Robinsons.
[00:27:59] We watched that one a lot and it did show like the happy adoption story, like you’re better off not knowing and like your birth, your adopted parents like gave you a lot in life.
[00:28:12] But like how I picture like being like left is like pretty much how it was in Meet the Robinsons. Like maybe that’s how it like formed because I was like left on a doorstep.
[00:28:24] Dmae Lo Roberts: I’m just thinking of the new Doctor Who. I don’t know if you watch that, but it’s the the companion was left at the doorstep on at a church and it’s like this big thread of who her mother actually was, you know, and I don’t know.
[00:28:39] It’s it feels like that could be a mystery, but it’s not necessarily a mystery that you need to solve. Is that, you know, kind of how you feel right now?
[00:28:51] Lillie Laurier: I feel like it eventually, with technology and everything, that I will find out. It’s just a matter of when that will happen. It might need to take some time off work to deal with that for a year.
[00:29:09] Dmae Lo Roberts: That’s very pragmatic, you know? I think you’re right, it probably will happen. What about you? Is that a mystery? Is that a mystery for you, Lila?
[00:29:18] Lila Yang: Yes and no. I think it’s a mystery because it’s an unknown, but it’s not something I’m particularly interested in like knowing, I think just with everything. I don’t have a strong desire to know if ever, but it’d be cool, but I’m not going to get my hopes up.
[00:29:39] Dmae Lo Roberts: Any other things that you want to say to either adoptees or to their parents? You know, is there any message that you want to send?
[00:29:51] Lila Yang: I already did mine.
[00:29:52] Dmae Lo Roberts: Well, just tell her what you said. I don’t remember what I said. Well, I think that you started off with saying don’t try too hard.
[00:29:59] Lila Yang: Oh yeah, don’t try too hard with like making your kid like, don’t push too hard with like talking to your kid about adoption.
[00:30:10] They’ll figure it out when they want to figure it out, but pushing too hard will just make them probably not want to talk about it with you ever.
[00:30:19] Lillie Laurier: Find adopted friends. It’s been, like, really amazing to have so many, like, people who are adopted in my life. And find people who are different ages than you.
[00:30:27] Like, sometimes it’s hard to see yourself when you’re older. So to me, like, adoptees in their, like, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s kind of provides a path to follow.